I fucking hate my job.

So I was reading the post I made back in September 2013 about how thankful I was to get out of Windsor Federal Savings and into the Hartford.

You know that saying- you don't know what you got 'til it's gone?

I hate my job. Because of this, I hate my life. Right now it's ten minutes past eight and all I can think of is how much I dread having to go back to work tomorrow (twelve hours and counting), and I WORK FROM HOME.

When I worked at the bank- I felt like every day I was going to see and work with my friends. I made ends meet, not with much left over but enough. I hated the way the company was handled but now I see that this may be a normal, overlook-able aspect of any job.

This job, the one with the Hartford? It's taken my soul, my humanity, and my happiness. After just a month of doing this I knew it wasn't for me...and now it's coming up on two years.

I used to drive home over the Bissell Bridge and wonder- what would happen if I jerked the wheel really hard to the right, went over the side wall of the highway, and under the tides of the Connecticut river to just...disappear? So I could just stop doing this job. THAT is what this fucking piece of shit career has brought me to. I told this to my supervisor once and - rightfully so - she freaked out. She told me that I should really start thinking of a backup plan. I REALLY wish I had listened to her sooner on this.

I'm screamed at on a daily basis. For the first time in two years, I yelled back at an insured on Friday. And while he 100% deserved it because he was being an old fucking dick-wad, I still feel a bit bad. WHY? I have these hopes and dreams now that I just get fired or laid off so that I can be happy again.

I think it finally sunk in last week with Jim. I've been applying to jobs nonstop for the last month and the only job that I'd heard from was a true temporary position lasting 60-90 days with no intention to hire after this time. I told him that I'm broke until payday (Wednesday - I cannot get used to this 1st and 15th of the month BS that comes with a salaried position).

"What are you going to do if you leave this job for a lower paying job? How are you going to make ends meet?" he asked incredulously.

I told him: when I worked at Windsor Federal- I was making $15,000 less per year than I am making now. Take home probably less. I NEVER had the money issues that I have now.

The reason? I'm alone most of the week and miserable because I just despise my work, and although I can always pick up the phone and talk to Jim it's not the same as having him here. It was something that although I may not have ever really loved one of my jobs (save for maybe L'Occitane), I do take pride in the work that I do. And taking pride in something that kills your soul makes you miserable. So when I go online after work- when I used to craft but don't have the heart for it anymore- I buy, buy, buy. Because for a moment, it makes me feel good.

He said to me the next day that he never really understood what I was trying to say when I said I hated my job. But I guess that put it in a different perspective.

Jim told me to quit. He told me that I would find work and that he would take care of me until then.

I wish I could do it. If I were a worse person, I would. But I know I have no excuse. I can work. I haven't committed suicide yet or tried to. The job market isn't where it was before I graduated college and doesn't appear to be changing anytime soon. I could quit. And it sates me. But I just cannot bring myself to do it.

I imagine the uncertainty of it all. Would I be infinitely less marketable if I voluntarily resigned from a job because... I didn't want it? It made me miserable? HOW would I explain that to potential employers in an interview? "Have you ever had a job that made you want to kill yourself multiple times a week?"

And you're probably reading this thinking- Oh, poor baby girl. She's so pathetic. And maybe I am. But to me, unless you have been a claims adjuster...this feeling so awful I just can't even tell you how promising this job was in the beginning, and how much I wish I could have just said "no" when they offered me the job- how different a person I would be.

So I came up with a plan that makes me at least FEEL hopeful.

I am still applying to jobs like a maniac, and still will for the foreseeable future.

I calculated my monthly expenses and anticipate that if I could save around $6K that would last me with minimal help from Jim for approximately four months. I believe in this timeframe, that I can find another job that would not suck the soul right out of my body. The only thing I haven't figured out would be the health insurance but I think that is just something I'll have to do without for a while and cross my fingers. Or say that if I get hit by a bus that it kills me because I'll never pay off that medical bill.

I also have been thinking that I need to go back to school for something- ANYTHING - that provides me with a lucrative AND tolerable existence until I reach the age of 65, or thereabouts. Right now I have approximately $40K saved for retirement (I'm 28), and Jim's retirement is....well, amazing and extends to me.

So I've looked at vet assisting, medical assisting, massage therapy- the one that I keep coming back to is court reporting. On average they make $67K a year, which is more than I'm making now. The drawback is that very few schools offer it (although as a bonus the ones that do offer it online), and that it will take approximately 3 years and $30K through those reputable institutions. I don't know if I can dip into the Grandma bank account for that much- or at least I wouldn't feel right about it. But in three years I'll be 31 and no closer to anything good so I think this may be the best option. I've thought of it before and I think that maybe it might just be easier. Also could just go into teaching but with Jim and I thinking of moving to New York in the next few years I really can't justify getting licensed in CT (which is harder than other states) and then get licensed in NY, which would have been easier (I think?) in the first place. Ugh.